Wedding worries and obsessions...

As I may have mentioned earlier in the blog, I am getting married in about 2 months. The closer the wedding gets the more and more nervous I get. I can feel my anxiety rising higher and higher especially when I am in the middle of planning of something or when I am idle and thought just keeps bubbling up. I especially get nervous when I wake up because I have more than likely had a horrible nightmare of things going wrong. I am not a bridezilla in any way, but I am definitely freaking out on the inside. I have dreams constantly that my fiance doesn't show up or decides not to marry me on the day of. Or I have thoughts/obsessions that something horrible happens days before the wedding like one of us gets sick, diagnosed with a major illness, gets in a car accident...etc. I am desperately trying to work through it, but I have also been finding myself trying to avoid the thoughts which is one of my problems that I face. Avoiding anxiety and OCD only gives it strength and rears its ugly head at a later date with more strength. I will have to blog more and more about how I handle this. I would love some advice.

Why you should laugh at yourself...

While on a long car ride to visit my future in-laws I decided to watch "The Switch" with Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston. I had to laugh at Jason Bateman's character who is a little bit neurotic and definitely has some OCD issues. It brought a new perspective to my issues and how I should view them. I don't want to be labeled as a crazy person with obsessions about diseases, I want to be a little quirky. I want people to see it as just how I am. When he is talking to the little boy that he potentially fathered, the little boy (who is very smart) says to him "Uncle Wally, Do you ever worry about Parkinsons?" Jason Bateman's character answers by saying, "Not specifically Parkinson's but other diseases yes. I suppose you could say I am a bit of a hypochondriac." The little boy replies, " What's that?" Jason Bateman explains what a hypochondriac is and the little boy shrieks, "OMG! I THINK I HAVE THAT!" My fiance and I just busted out laughing. It felt so free to be able to laugh about my obsessions and "quirkiness." We joked then for the next 5 minutes about how my children will be quirky little kids like me. I know some of you may be wondering why I find this funny, but I have found that laughing at myself and about my obsessions makes it easier to overcome them. It makes me realize time and time again that the obsessions are stupid and FUNNY because they are not REAL. :) Laugh it up :)

Why you should fight to get better

As I have said multiple times already, getting better is a hard road and is extremely scary.  If you choose to do the behavior modification/exposure therapy route than you will definitely feel like you are losing your mind and you cannot go on.  You need to stick with it! I promise you that exposure therapy really works. I cannot even begin to describe how much better I am. I want everyone in the world with OCD to feel better and get to the place where I am today. I would love to think that my OCD would go away forever, but I know that it isnt the case. Learning to accept your OCD is one of the first steps. You can live a normal, happy, awesome life.  This is why I have chosen to go back to school to get my Master's in Counseling. I really want to help others like my therapist has helped me. I think having anxiety/OCD allows me to have a better understanding of the problems and symptoms. Here is the trick... finding time and money to go back to school. If anyone has any great ideas for Graduate level scholarships... I would love to know.. Thanks!

Bad days and good days

The unfortunate truth about living with anxiety and OCD is that you have bad days and good days. When I have stressful days at work it tends to make everything else flair up as well, including my compulsions. I have been doing soooo well, but my future in-laws came into town for the first time this weekend. They met my parents for the first time as well. I was very stressed about making sure that my house was clean enough (compulsion, compulsion, compulsion) and making sure that my house did not smell like dog (super paranoid about this--probably a compulsion). I cleaned for days, shampooed my carpeting, bathed my dogs, did every stitch of laundry, wiped everything down, etc. By the time they got here I was exhausted and completely stressed out. I could already feel my anxiety and tension skyrocketing which immediately brought about my feeling that there was something wrong with me. I kept feeling a stiff neck and arm pain/fatigue (probably from the cleaning--duh!) but I thought it was something more serious. But you know what?? I kicked my OCD monster where it counts and stood up to it. You are not going to ruin my progress or my weekend with my new family. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO ME. I AM STRONGER THAN YOU. I realized something big while in therapy. When I got a sense of why I had certain compulsions it gave me the strength to fight it. When you realize the root of all of your issues, you get a greater strength to fight it. I realized that my mom and dad were always really crazy about cleanliness. My mom will actually come over to my house and say, " Did you vaccuum lately?" "Why do you have dishes in your sink?" "When is the last time you swept your kitchen floor?" Obviously, if I have OCD you know my house is ridiculously clean, but some how when I hear my mom say these things it makes me feel like I am the size of a pea. It literally makes me feel like a dirty, disgusting human being. I get angry and frustrated and extremely stressed out and clean even better the next time I know she is coming.  Unfortunately, I need to realize that my mom is going to say these things regardless of how clean my home is. I need to stop taking things personally that other people say to me and be HAPPY with ME. If I feel like my home is clean then that should be good enough. She stressed me out the whole week before my future in-laws came to town telling me that house was dirty and they were going to think I was a slob. Of course, I let it get to me and broke down and let her help me. ( Because in my mind, I couldn't do it myself. ). BIG MISTAKE... I only gave it and her more power over me, making my OCD flair up. I am really happy that I recognized my mistake, but not happy that I fell into it again. I am making two steps forward and one step back, but any progress is some progress. Anyone else fall back?? What happened?

The OCD project is looking for participants...

Just wanted to post an opportunity for those of you out there who would like to be a participant on VH1's "The OCD Project." They offer you weeks of FREE intensive therapy for OCD.


http://www.3ballproductions.com/castingOCD.html

Facing Fears-Exposure Therapy

Therapy is so bitter-sweet. In the long run, it can be tremendously helpful. However, I am not going to lie. OCD & Anxiety get worse before they get better. Talking about my obsessions and compulsions caused me so much anxiety that I was literally a basket-case for days. My first appointment with my therapist was relatively easy. She mainly just collected information about my obsessions and compulsions and had me answer strange questions to find out the severity of my OCD. I found out that I have one MAIN obsession/compulsion which is being a hypochondriac. My other obsessions are fairly minor and manageable and were pretty easy to overcome. We decided to start with one of my minor obsessions first which are having things neatly lined up. She made me mess up books and DVD's on my shelves and leave them. AHHH.. It was painful. It literally causes me to feel uneasy. It is hard to just sit and watch tv knowing that it looks cluttered in my house. I was able to tolerate my anxiety and leave it alone, but it wasn't easy. During this exposure, I felt ok. I don't like leaving things messy, but I know I need to. It essentially desensitizes you. My next anxiety is checking my back door. Everyday, I shut my back door and climb into my car and say, "crap... Did I shut the back door?" I have a screen door and regular door. I am always afraid of just having the screen door shut and not the regular one because I know my dogs can open it and get out. I have this fear that I will leave my house without shutting the big door and my dogs will get out and get hit by cars. :( My therapist had me leave the house shut the door and pause. Ok.. Stop. I shut the door. Then I would have to go to work without checking! AHHHH... The whole way to work I would freak out.. OMG they are going to get out and get hit by a car and I am going to find them hurt or dead... Oh NO... I can't handle this. I had such an extreme urge to check... But No... Not gonna do it.. Not gonna do it. It bothered me all morning at work, but guess what? By the end of the day I was fine. I was a little worried on my way home, but was relieved to see that it was shut and my dogs were fine. Everyday is still hard, but it gets easier every time I do it. These obsessions and exposures are easy to talk about it. I am still mustering up the courage to openly discuss my other obsessions in greater detail. It brings back anxiety, but it is also freeing. As you can see I still struggle with avoidance (which is what my therapist says is my compulsion). I avoid feelings of anxiety by trying to keep myself occupied or just avoiding discussing it. In a way, this blog is my way of facing my OCD once and for all. Once again, I just drop kicked my OCD monster. 

Looking back....

It is always interesting to look back at your childhood and earlier years after you have been diagnosed with OCD. You realize that there is several other times in your life when you could have been diagnosed had you or someone close to you recognized the symptoms. I am not writing this to say that I am regretting my past or saying that I wish that I would have been diagnosed earlier. I am simply writing this entry as a reminder to myself that I have come so far. OCD is a part of me and has made me who I am. I would never want to take back any part of my life, because it has made me stronger. But anyways... I remember when I was in 2nd grade my teacher told us that it was very important to get 8 hours of a sleep a night. She told us that getting the proper sleep would help do better in school which would help us throughout our life. She went on to say that doing better in school would help get into great colleges and have a successful career. Normal conversation right?? OH NO... not for an OCD kid. I took that comment to a whole other level. I immediately went home and told my mom, "I HAVE to get 8 WHOLE hours of sleep Mom. Mrs. Smith said that if I don't I will never get into college or have a job!!!" My mom laughed it off, but little did she know that this minor comment from my teacher would shape the way I lived for YEARS! Immediately starting that night I would rush to bed by 9pm just to make sure that I had enough time to fall asleep and get 8 hours of REAL sleep. Well.... What happens when you go to bed with the intention of making yourself fall asleep or it will affect your entire future?? You cannot sleep. I started to force myself to be in bed by 8:30pm. If we were out running errands with the family, I would start to panic. "Mom, we have to get home. I have to get to bed!!" I remember feeling like I would die if I did not get into bed and relaxed by 8:30pm. I would lay there for an hour or two panicking because I could not fall asleep. I would run into my parents room crying, " Mom, I can't fall asleep. What am I going to do? I am going to do horrible in school tomorrow." My mom would try to calm me down and tell me to just relax, but I couldn't. Eventually every night I would fall asleep by 10 or 11 and would do perfectly fine in school, but every few nights it was the same story over and over.  Looking back... this is definitely an obsession. Having to get a certain amount of sleep or thinking your life is cursed and ruined is OCD... HELLO??  It is too bad that OCD was not as widely recognized back in the 90's. It is really funny when I think about it now. I have turned out to be a 3.8 GPA college student with an awesome career. Not getting sleep didn't stop me at all. I lived and eventually grew out of this obsession. Has anyone out there ever looked back and realized that one of your childhood quirks was actually an obsession or compulsion??