Facing Fears-Exposure Therapy

Therapy is so bitter-sweet. In the long run, it can be tremendously helpful. However, I am not going to lie. OCD & Anxiety get worse before they get better. Talking about my obsessions and compulsions caused me so much anxiety that I was literally a basket-case for days. My first appointment with my therapist was relatively easy. She mainly just collected information about my obsessions and compulsions and had me answer strange questions to find out the severity of my OCD. I found out that I have one MAIN obsession/compulsion which is being a hypochondriac. My other obsessions are fairly minor and manageable and were pretty easy to overcome. We decided to start with one of my minor obsessions first which are having things neatly lined up. She made me mess up books and DVD's on my shelves and leave them. AHHH.. It was painful. It literally causes me to feel uneasy. It is hard to just sit and watch tv knowing that it looks cluttered in my house. I was able to tolerate my anxiety and leave it alone, but it wasn't easy. During this exposure, I felt ok. I don't like leaving things messy, but I know I need to. It essentially desensitizes you. My next anxiety is checking my back door. Everyday, I shut my back door and climb into my car and say, "crap... Did I shut the back door?" I have a screen door and regular door. I am always afraid of just having the screen door shut and not the regular one because I know my dogs can open it and get out. I have this fear that I will leave my house without shutting the big door and my dogs will get out and get hit by cars. :( My therapist had me leave the house shut the door and pause. Ok.. Stop. I shut the door. Then I would have to go to work without checking! AHHHH... The whole way to work I would freak out.. OMG they are going to get out and get hit by a car and I am going to find them hurt or dead... Oh NO... I can't handle this. I had such an extreme urge to check... But No... Not gonna do it.. Not gonna do it. It bothered me all morning at work, but guess what? By the end of the day I was fine. I was a little worried on my way home, but was relieved to see that it was shut and my dogs were fine. Everyday is still hard, but it gets easier every time I do it. These obsessions and exposures are easy to talk about it. I am still mustering up the courage to openly discuss my other obsessions in greater detail. It brings back anxiety, but it is also freeing. As you can see I still struggle with avoidance (which is what my therapist says is my compulsion). I avoid feelings of anxiety by trying to keep myself occupied or just avoiding discussing it. In a way, this blog is my way of facing my OCD once and for all. Once again, I just drop kicked my OCD monster.